Sunday, 5 June 2011

Compulsive Record Acquisition Problem - A Self Test

Are you an obsessive record collector? Is your hobby threatening to take over your life? Just how bad is your habit? Do this simple test on yourself and find out if you need to seek treatment. Answer the following questions truthfully, placing a mark next to the option A,B or C that you feel most accurately reflects the real you.

1) How many records and CDs do you have?
A) 0-100
B) 100-499
C) I won't even talk to anybody with less than 500 records in their

2) How much of your home is given over to records?
A) A small cabinet in one room
B) One room for records and hi-fi
C) I have a 3 bedroom house full of records, and I live in the garden shed
(where I keep the 78s)

3) How much time on average do you spend listening to or buying records?
A) A few hours at the weekend
B) A couple of hours, most days
C) I gave up my job because it was eating into my record listening/buying

4) What is your favourite sexual fetish?
A) Leather
B) Vinyl
C) LP sleeves

5) how much do you spend on records, on average?
A) A few dollars a month
B) A few hundred dollars a month
C) My salary is paid in record tokens

6) How many record / CD players do you have?
A) One
B) Two or three
C) Oh, I think it's about 20, plus another few dozen in the attic that
don't work anymore

7) Do you remember the matrix number of records?
A) No, I never pay attention to them
B) Elvis' first record was Sun 209, I think
C) I can't remember my own birthday, but I can list every Starday Custom
Press in numeric order

8) Has your record collecting ever caused an argument with someone you
A) No
B) My wife doesn't like my taste in music much, and she got annoyed when I
spent a hundred bucks on that Buddy Holly box set
C) Who needs the bitch anyway? My records are all the friends that I need

9) What is the most you ever spent on a record
A) I would never spend more than 20 for one record
B) A hundred on a box set of 10 CDs
C) Well, I didn't drive the car that much, anyhow

10) Do you go to record fairs?
A) Never / only once or twice
B) Once or twice a month
C) I have a season ticket to every large record fair on this continent

11) Have you ever dealt in records as a business?
A) No
B) Yes, but only as a hobby
C) My record shop went bust because I kept all of the stock for myself and never sold anything

12) Have you ever gone into debt to buy records?
A) No, I only spend what I can afford
B) I got overdrawn once
C) VISA have a hit-man contract out on me

13) Are You?
A) Female
B) Male
C) Don't know, I never really checked

14) How would you describe your health?
A) I am Healthy
B) I am a bit unfit
C) VG++ sl.wrp, WOL

15) What is your favourite chat-up line?
A) Do you come here often?
B) What sort of music do you like?
C) I have over 16000 records, wanna come up and help me type a few of them 
into my fully cross-referenced database?

So, how did you do?

Mostly answer A: You are a healthy individual, with a normal passing interest in music. You have no cause to worry.

Mostly answer B: Music is obviously a favourite hobby of yours. You enjoy the camaraderie with fellow collectors, and the thrill of finding that long-sought album. However you have got things in proportion, you have other interests and you know that there is more to life than just records.

Mostly answer C: You have a problem. Record collecting is the most important thing, possibly the only thing, in your tragic lonely life. You are a sociopath, preferring the company of inanimate objects to the company of your fellow humans. You cannot hold down a relationship of any kind. You probably drive a small white van and have a personal hygiene problem. You were the first kid in your class to be sent to see a psychologist, the other kids called you 'stinky' or 'weirdo'. If you haven't killed yet, you soon will. Ask your doctor to test you for Aspbergers Syndrome. And for God's sake, get a life...

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Auction: Novelty toilet tissue

You are bidding on 50 pages of novelty toilet paper, cleverly designed to look like a tabloid gossip rag called The Star, dated 31 May 2011.

How your friends will laugh at your kitcsh humour as they smear away their body's waste product. The appearance of the paper is greatly improved by the addition of faecal matter. Much larger than normal toilet tissue, suitable for the biggest of a*seholes.

Warning, this product is intended for lavatory use only. Do not attempt to read the print as it may cause nausea. Do not use if you have piles, as the acidic content will irritate and give you acute pain in the rectum. Despite the paper's lack of substance, it may cause blockage of your sewer system.

As a bonus, I am including free of charge the last shreds of human dignity that belong to "journalist" K**an M*la*ni*n. These were retrieved from a letterbox in Croydon. However, these shreds of dignity are invisible and so may appear to not be there at all.

Bidding starts at £0.01. I realise this is expensive but eBay do not permit me to start lower. However, postage is free.