Thursday, 2 June 2011

Auction: Novelty toilet tissue

You are bidding on 50 pages of novelty toilet paper, cleverly designed to look like a tabloid gossip rag called The Star, dated 31 May 2011.

How your friends will laugh at your kitcsh humour as they smear away their body's waste product. The appearance of the paper is greatly improved by the addition of faecal matter. Much larger than normal toilet tissue, suitable for the biggest of a*seholes.

Warning, this product is intended for lavatory use only. Do not attempt to read the print as it may cause nausea. Do not use if you have piles, as the acidic content will irritate and give you acute pain in the rectum. Despite the paper's lack of substance, it may cause blockage of your sewer system.

As a bonus, I am including free of charge the last shreds of human dignity that belong to "journalist" K**an M*la*ni*n. These were retrieved from a letterbox in Croydon. However, these shreds of dignity are invisible and so may appear to not be there at all.

Bidding starts at £0.01. I realise this is expensive but eBay do not permit me to start lower. However, postage is free.

8 comments:

  1. Photos? I won't bid on something unless I can see a picture ;-)

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  2. Oh Bill

    You could have been somebody, You could have been a contender, If you'd only sucked up to those reporters, but instead you're heading back into obscurity, Just think Smoker, you could have been the next Jeremy Paxton if only you'd played the hand that fate was dealing you, Go back to the Cupboard under the stairs & ponder the possibility that you may have been on 20 or 30 steps from a Celebrity Come Dine With Me!

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  3. Fame is a curse - just ask Yogi. I wouldn't wish fame on my worst enemy.

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  4. What happened to the second relisting of "My ex Brother-in-Law's sh*t record collection" ?

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. It raised a massive£ 6.38
    You can see it here http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/290572690646

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  7. Are you happy with that after the 1st lot of bids?

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  8. It's a more realistic valuation. That stuff really is shit.

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